Image 1 of 1
Mindful Presence
The act of simply "being with" someone in their distress without trying to change it, or being fully present with your own feelings. Distress is often rooted in anxieties about the future or regrets about the past. Mindfulness is the practice of gently bringing awareness to the present moment without judgment. For another person, your calm, steady presence can act as an anchor. This is a form of co-regulation, where one person's regulated nervous system can help calm another's dysregulated one.
How to Apply to Others
Sit with them in comfortable silence. Match your breathing to a calm, slow rhythm. You don't need to talk; your presence is the comfort.
How to Apply to Yourself
Practice a simple mindfulness exercise. Focus on your breath, noticing the sensation of air entering and leaving your body. Observe your thoughts and feelings as if they are clouds passing in the sky, without getting swept away by them.
Active Listening
This is the practice of listening to understand, not just to reply. It involves giving someone your full, undivided attention, without judgment, interruption, or the immediate impulse to fix their problem. Feeling truly heard is a powerful form of validation. This act communicates that the person's feelings are legitimate and important. It combats feelings of isolation and shame, which often accompany distress.
How to Apply to Others
Put your phone away. Make eye contact. Use non-verbal cues like nodding. Use reflective statements like, "It sounds like you're feeling incredibly overwhelmed." Resist the urge to say, "At least..."
How to Apply to Yourself
Journaling is a form of active listening for the self. Write down your thoughts and feelings without censorship. Alternatively, you can record a voice memo, simply speaking your mind as if to a trusted friend.
Creative eXpression
Providing tools for non-verbal expression, such as a journal and pen, paints, clay, or musical instruments. Sometimes, emotions are too large or complex to be captured by words. Creative expression provides an alternative outlet. This process can be cathartic, externalizing the internal turmoil and making it feel more manageable. The focus is on the process, not the product.
How to Apply to Others
Simply make the materials available without pressure. "I brought over some sketch paper and colored pencils in case you feel like doodling."
How to Apply to Yourself
Allow yourself to be creative without judgment. Scribble with crayons, write a poem you'll show no one, or hum a new tune.
Intentional Nourishment
Preparing or providing a simple, nourishing meal or a favorite comfort food. The link between food and comfort is deeply ingrained. Biologically, consuming food can increase levels of serotonin in the brain. Socially and culturally, food is a primary language of care. Providing food for someone in distress is a tangible act of support that relieves them of the mental and physical burden of preparing a meal.
How to Apply to Others
Offer to cook a meal, have food delivered, or bring over some easy-to-eat snacks. Focus on simple, nourishing options.
How to Apply to Yourself
Prepare a simple, beloved meal from your past. The process of cooking can be meditative, and eating something familiar and satisfying can be deeply soothing.
Music and Sound
Playing calm, gentle music, nature sounds, or white noise. Sound directly affects mood and physiological states. Slow-tempo music can synchronize with a calm heart rate, promoting relaxation. Sounds of nature, like rain or waves, are processed by the brain as non-threatening signals, which can reduce the body's fight-or-flight response. This auditory input can mask jarring, stressful noises and create a peaceful "soundscape."
How to Apply to Others
Ask if they would like some quiet music or nature sounds. Create a calming playlist for them.
How to Apply to Yourself
Use headphones to listen to binaural beats, calming classical music, or a recording of a gentle rainfall.
Unconditional Self-Compassion
The internal act of treating yourself with the same kindness, care, and concern you would show to a good friend who was suffering. It has three core components: 1) Self-Kindness, 2) Common Humanity (recognizing suffering is a shared experience), and 3) Mindfulness. Practicing self-compassion activates the same self-soothing systems as receiving comfort from others, fostering resilience from within.
How to Apply to Others
Gently encourage them to be kind to themselves. Say things like, "You are being so hard on yourself. It's okay to feel this way."
How to Apply to Yourself
When you notice your inner critic, pause. Place a hand on your heart and say, "This is a moment of suffering. May I be kind to myself."
Memories (Positive Nostalgia)
Engaging with familiar and beloved media or memories from a happier time. Positive nostalgia can be a powerful source of comfort. It provides a sense of continuity of self, reminding a person of who they were before the current distress. Engaging with a favorite old movie, album, or book is predictable and safe, creating a feeling of control and security in a world that feels chaotic.
How to Apply to Others
Put on a movie or TV show you know they love from their past. Talk about a shared, happy memory.
How to Apply to Yourself
Look through old, happy photos. Listen to the music you loved in high school. Re-read a favorite childhood book.
Calm Environment
Tidying a cluttered space, dimming harsh lights, reducing noise, or putting on soft music. Our external environment has a direct impact on our internal state. A cluttered, chaotic, or overly stimulating environment can heighten feelings of anxiety. Conversely, a clean, organized, and calm space reduces sensory input, allowing the nervous system to settle. This practice is about curating an external sanctuary to promote the creation of an internal one.
How to Apply to Others
Ask, "Is there anything I can do to make this space more comfortable for you?" Offer to tidy up, draw the curtains, or turn off a blaring television.
How to Apply to Yourself
Take 10 minutes to clear one surface, like your desk or kitchen counter. Dim the lights, light a candle, and eliminate unnecessary noise.
Outdoor Connection
Spending time in a natural environment, such as a park, forest, or beach, or even just bringing elements of nature indoors. The Biophilia hypothesis suggests that humans have an innate tendency to seek connections with nature. Exposure to natural environments has been scientifically shown to reduce stress, lower cortisol levels, and improve mood. The concept of "soft fascination," where nature effortlessly holds our attention, helps restore our focus.
How to Apply to Others
Suggest a very gentle walk in a park or sitting on a bench near some trees. If they can't go out, bring them a plant or fresh flowers.
How to Apply to Yourself
Step outside and take five deep breaths. Sit by a window where you can see the sky or trees. Watch a nature documentary.
Meaningful Acts of Service
Taking a practical task or chore off someone's plate. When a person is emotionally distressed, their capacity for executive function is often severely diminished. An act of service is a practical expression of care that directly reduces a person's burden. It frees up their limited mental and physical energy to be used for emotional recovery. This tangible support demonstrates empathy in action.
How to Apply to Others
Be specific in your offer. Instead of "Let me know if you need anything," say "I'm going to the grocery store, what can I get for you?"
How to Apply to Yourself
Give yourself permission to let something go. Order takeout instead of cooking, leave the laundry for another day, or ask a friend for help.
Friendly Distraction
Engaging the person in a low-stakes, pleasant activity to give their mind a break from ruminating. While it's important to process emotions, constant rumination can be counterproductive. Gentle distraction provides a temporary respite. It shifts cognitive focus away from the emotional pain and can help reset a negative thought loop, providing a fresh perspective.
How to Apply to Others
Suggest a lighthearted activity, like watching a favorite old movie, doing a simple puzzle, or taking a gentle walk.
How to Apply to Yourself
Engage in a hobby that requires gentle focus. This could be gardening, knitting, playing a simple video game, or organizing a drawer.
Olfactory Comfort
Using specific scents, often from essential oils like lavender, chamomile, or bergamot, to promote relaxation. The sense of smell is uniquely powerful because the olfactory bulb has direct connections to the brain's limbic system (emotion and memory). Scents like lavender contain compounds that have been shown to have anxiety-reducing effects, calming the nervous system without sedation.
How to Apply to Others
Use an essential oil diffuser with a calming scent. Offer a scented hand lotion. Be mindful of allergies or sensitivities and ask first.
How to Apply to Yourself
Dab a drop of essential oil on your pulse points, add a few drops to a warm bath, or use a scented pillow spray before bed.
Radiating Warmth
Offering a warm blanket, a hot cup of tea, a warm bath, or a hot water bottle. Warmth is a primal comfort. Physiologically, it can relax tense muscles and ease pain. This physical relaxation sends signals to the brain that promote emotional relaxation. There is also a strong psychological association between warmth and feelings of safety, care, and nurturing, likely stemming from our earliest experiences.
How to Apply to Others
Simply ask, "Can I get you a warm blanket or a cup of tea?" The act of offering is as comforting as the warmth itself.
How to Apply to Yourself
Take a warm bath or shower. Cuddle up under a soft, heavy blanket. Enjoy a warm, non-caffeinated beverage.
Touch (Haptic Comfort)
This involves consensual, non-demanding physical touch, such as a hug, holding a hand, or a gentle back rub. Supportive touch triggers the release of oxytocin (the "bonding hormone"), which promotes feelings of trust and safety, while lowering levels of cortisol (the stress hormone). This helps activate the parasympathetic nervous system, leading to a lower heart rate and a feeling of physiological calm.
How to Apply to Others
Always be mindful of consent. Ask, "Would a hug help right now?" A simple, reassuring touch on the arm can convey immense support.
How to Apply to Yourself
A weighted blanket simulates deep pressure touch. You can also hug yourself, or place a hand over your heart to feel the warmth and gentle pressure.
